How To Fix Anything In Your House

One of the “great” things about home ownership is that sometimes things go terribly wrong and as a husband you “get” to “show off” your “manly” skills to your wife.

If you are new to the whole marriage game, or even the whole home ownership thing, there are a few simple steps one can follow to fix anything in the house.

Step One: Concerned Facial Expression and Professional Mumbles

When a problem arises and you are with your wife, fixate your stare on the area or contraption that is causing problem(s). Look puzzled but not dumbfounded as you want to look like you are running through the mechanisms of the problem in your head.

Then, mumble something under your breath using words like “structure”, “component”, and “up-to-code”.

Step Two: Start Fiddling

The goal here is to get your wife bored enough that she will leave you to what needs to be done after you reassure her, “I got this.”

Step Four:

Figure out the name of what is broken, type it into YouTube’s search bar preceding the words, “How To Fix”

Step Five: Get Frustrated

Realize that you are better at playing video games, perusing Facebook and watching football than doing anything remotely close to “handyman” work. Get extremely annoyed with people on YouTube that make things look so easy. Watch funny cat videos instead.

Step Six: Take Off Work

Tell your wife you need to take off work because you need to focus on the project at hand, need to buy parts from Home Depot, etc.

Step Seven: Google Repairman in Area

Have another dude do the work for you, while you get to watch cat videos on YouTube all day.

Step Eight: Bask in Glory

Once completed and wife comes home, explain how complicated the task was and that she shouldn’t have to worry about the details since it is now done. Ask about her day and “listen” while watching more cat videos.

Step Nine: Awards

Prepare for “Husband of the Year” nominations.


Being the Best Dad I Can Be

A few days ago, my .333(repeating) year old daughter began to roll over on to her stomach.

It wasn’t easy.

Every time she does it she sounds like the guy at the gym benching like 4,000 pounds and grunting up a storm so the entire world knows how hard it is and how awesome he is.

Or – she could be just like her father who makes the same whining noises every time the remote is just out of reach on the coffee table.

To be honest though – I’ve seen this coming.

First she started to make more random squealing noises.

Then she started to sit up straight (without doing the gangsta lean to one side).

Then my wife started talking about solid foods (if you call rice cereal solid).

Now she is slightly mobile.

I have only been a father for a 1/3 of a year but already I can see where this is going.

The teenage years are coming up quickly, which will soon mean that I have to decide what type of father I am going to be so I can make sure that all boys stay away from her until she is at least 34 years old.

Option #1: Scary Dad

This option requires a few things to be purchased, as my naturally awesome demeanor is not scary nor threatening in any way whatsoever.

I would need to purchase a rifle or gun of some sort, but preferably one that cannot be fired, as I would more than likely shoot myself in the foot than scare potential boyfriends.

I would also need the ability to grow facial hair (can you put Rogain on your face or is that frowned upon by the bearded community?) and a temporary, stick-on tattoo of barbed wire or something that refers to military duty.

Optional would be a leather jacket, hopefully with some sort of flaming skull. A non-burning skull may work as well, however you need some sort of graphic because you do not want to come off looking like the Fonz or someone from Grease.

The act is pretty simple as all it requires is ability to speak in an almost inaudible mumble, a slight eye twitch and death stare from the moment I spot the boyfriend to the moment he drives off with my baby.

Option #2: Roid Rage Dad

This option requires time and preparation before any boys try to woo my pride and joy. I do not need to actually be a strong individual, I just need to look like I want to be in a gym 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

My arms will probably need to look big enough where they could easily crush a small teenager’s head. I will also need large tubs of whey protein and creatine, and possibly some smaller containers filled with unlabeled pills.

However, this might be difficult as I look back on the last ten New Year’s Resolutions to “get into shape” I have broken and my unquenchable thirst to do the least possible work throughout the day.

Option #3: Be Your Best Friend Dad

The last option would be only based on my personality and hiding my fiery hatred of the entire male population that may be interested in my daughter. Instead, I will focus on being around the budding couple ALL THE TIME until the young lad is too uncomfortable dating my daughter.

“Dad, me and [Jackwad #1] are going to the movies.”
— Little P

“Fun! What are you seeing?”
— Me

“[insert vampirey-teen angst movie here]”
— Little P

“No way! Mom and I were just going to see that to. We’ll drive.”
— Me

“Um, she meant to say we decided to go bowling instead.”
— Jackwad #1

“No way! I’m an excellent bowler! Jackwad #1 and me vs. Little P and Mom. Let’s do this!”
— Me

Once the lad becomes uncomfortable, he tells his friends how clingy you are and then all boys stay away from your daughter for good!

It’s a win-win situation for everyone.

Except my daughter.

But, I’m just being the best dad I can be.